


Battle Scars

by AnjaWritingsx



Series: Tumblr Prompts [7]
Category: Shadowhunters
Genre: Alec cuts himself, Internalised Homophobia, Isabelle doesn't know, Jace thinks he knows through the parabatai bond, Kissing, M/M, Making Out, Understanding Magnus Bane, boys falling in love, self hatred, selfharming, worried Isabelle, worried Jace
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-03
Updated: 2017-04-03
Packaged: 2018-10-14 10:18:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10534458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnjaWritingsx/pseuds/AnjaWritingsx
Summary: Alec has always thought of himself as a failure.When he meets Magnus Bane, his feelings for the warlock are just another reason to hate himself.Can Magnus get Alec to see what he sees in him?Trigger warning;This story does contain self harming and cutting. Do not read this story if you can't handle self harming,





	

**Author's Note:**

> foreverlost-inthe-storm asked:  
> Malec Selfharm Outside of family, Alec has always kept to himself- in fear of disappointing his family, failing the clave or someone finding out his secret. Alec is a selfharmer, a cutter more specifically.  Alec would never do anything but train or hide in his room, until one day while out on a mission he meets a Warlock- Magnus Bane and finds that he wants nothing more than to spent all the time he can with him.. Something that made his obsession for selfblame that much worse. Throughout the next few months, Magnus and Alec see a ton of each other and Alec starts to give in to his want of Magnus .. The relationship grows with a romantic twist and one day as a make-out session turns hotter, Magnus moves to pull off Alec's long sleeve shirt and Alec freaks. Ah, could you also include Jace knowing through their parabatai bond but never said anything since Alec never did any major damage to himself and is waiting for the day his brother will open up to him.

Have you ever felt like that you were doing everything wrong in your life? That no matter how hard you tried to please someone else, it only backfired and they would end up being disappointed in you? That no matter what rule you followed, they’d still think of you as someone less valuable then them?

Alexander Lightwood knows that feeling, and he has for his entire live. He always pushed himself to the limit, trying to show his parents what he was made off. But sometimes he was just so focused, that he would mess up his practice in combat or with his bow and arrow. Alec hated that feeling. The feeling like he not only let himself down, but also his parents.

It’s also the reason why Alec closed himself off to everyone, even his sister Isabelle Lightwood or his brother Jace Wayland. Jace might not have been his blood brother, but he was his parabatai and therefor he was much more then just blood. Their souls were connected to one other and they had the tightest relationship two Shadowhunters could ever have.

But he wouldn’t even tell him he’s deepest secret. The secret that made him hate himself, because he was different. That made him hate himself, because he could never have what he wanted. Because it wasn’t accepted among a big group of Shadowhunters and the Clave to be gay. And Alec was gay, he’s figured that out the second he grew feelings for Jace. So he stayed in the closet.

But that was not his only secret.

It started off innocent. Alec would practice with his bow and arrow until his hand would bleed and ache. It made him feel- satisfied. As if this was a sign he gave it his all. But soon, it turned into self punishment and the self harming took a turn for the worst.

The first time he did it was when Isabelle had been stung by a demon. He was distracted, for only a second. But it could’ve been a deadly second. Jace however didn’t hesitate to jump into action and killed the demon before it could do more harm to Isabelle then it had already done. Alec beat himself up over it, words like ‘worthless’, ‘loser’ and ‘Isabelle wouldn’t have gotten hurt if it weren’t for me’ echoed through his mind. When they had brought Isabelle to the infirmary and a Warlock named Catarina was called over to help her, Alec let his frustrations out on the punching bag in the training area.

He kept punching the bag until he was sweating, his muscle were sore and his body was screaming at him to take a break. Alec stopped punching the bag, completely out of breathe but still felt worthless. He wanted to get rid of this feeling, he just- had to punch something. He had to punish himself. It was his fault Isabelle got hurt. He walked in circles, breathing heavily. Spotting the mirror, his body moved on his own. He hauled his arm back and punched the glass as hard as he could, the glass breaking and shattering into tiny pieces. Small shard cut his skin and his knuckled were bloody.

Alec pulled his hand back and stared at, his hand red from the impact it made, tiny trails of blood streaming down his hand from where the glass cut him. The ache in his hand didn’t hurt. It felt... relaxing, almost. It made him feel calm. And that was the beginning of him cutting himself.

Alec made sure to cut himself on places where people normally wouldn’t look, so most of the times on his stomach or the inside of his thighs. But often he also would cut his arms. Alec just started wearing his long-sleeved hoodie’s all the time to cover the scars up. No one ever noticed or questioned it.

Whenever Alec felt disappointed in himself, he cut.

Whenever Alec hated himself, he cut.

Whenever something didn’t go according to plan, and Alec felt like he had failed, he cut.

He was now stuck in an endless circle of cutting himself and covering his body in scars. But the more he cut, the better he felt, though the satisfaction never lingered for too long which only resulted into him cutting himself again.

Alec was stuck in his self hatred and he had no idea how to get out.

.

Isabelle and Jace were worried about their older brother. It was now a few weeks since Isabelle had gotten hurt by the demon and she was all better now. She even felt better then before. But Alec was still closing himself off, he stayed mostly in his room or was training in the training room. He rarely went out on missions anymore and it didn’t take long for Jace and Isabelle to figure out something was wrong.

“He hasn’t left his room for two days, now.’’ Isabelle sighed as she stared at the mug of coffee sitting in front of her. “Alec’s beat himself up before, but never this long. Do you think he is okay?’’

Jace pursed his lips in thought. “I don’t know, Izzy.’’ Jace sighed. “I’ve been trying to talk to him but he won’t open the door. I don’t know what’s going through his head.’’

The truth was, he had known for a while now that Alec hurt himself. At first, he thought it was on accident or that he had wounds from missions they went too. But when it was an calm day in and he felt his parabatai rune burn, he knew something was wrong. He didn’t want to pressure Alec into telling something and he also knew Alec never hurt himself badly. So, he just waited for his parabatai to talk to him. He also didn’t want to worry Isabelle.

“We have a lead now on those demons draining mundanes of blood, right?’’ Isabelle asked. “It’s too big of a mission for us two to do it alone, Alec wouldn’t have a choice but to come with us.’’

Jace nodded his head. “We’re going to need him on this mission.’’ He got up and grabbed his cup, pouring it empty in the sink. “I’ll go check in on him, you better start gearing up.’’

Isabelle nodded and sauntered off towards her room. Jace walked towards Alec’s room and tried to open it, sighing when he found it locked. He gently knocked on the door.

“Alec?’’ Jace called. “It’s me, we need you for this mission.’’

Jace frowned as he heard stumbling and Alec muttering “Shit, shit, shit.’’. He knocked again, eyebrows narrowing in confusion. “Alec, are you okay, bro?’’

He heard more stumbling before the sound of the door being unlocked and looked up at Alec as he pulled the door open. Alec’s face was slightly wet and red, he was out of breathe and trying to calm his breathing as he smiled at Jace.

“Hey, yeah.’’ Alec chuckled. “I am going with you guys on the mission, let me grab my jacket and I’m ready to go.’’

Jace’s eyes scanned over Alec’s face, trailing down his body then. Alec shifted awkwardly. It was then that Jace noticed Alec was holding his left arm firmly behind his back. He looked back up at Alec with an unreadable expression in his eyes before offering a soft smile.

“Right,’’ He chuckled. “Good to know. Can you check if Isabelle is ready? I’ll go see what our demon looks like now.’’

Alec nodded his head and quickly closed the door again as Jace walked down the hallway. He leaned his back against the door and closed his eyes, letting out a loud breathe. That was a tad too close to being busted. He looked at the bloody scars on his arm, grabbing his stele he activated the iratze rune. It stopped the bleeding but the scars stayed, hence the reason why Alec needed to cover them up. He grabbed his jacket and walked out of his room towards his sisters bed room.

“Isabelle,’’ He sighed loudly. “Let’s go!’’

“Hey there, big bro.’’ Isabelle chuckled as she strutted out of her room, a platinum wig in her hands.

Alec arched his eyebrows. “Really?’’

“What can I say? Demons dig blondes.’’

“Of course, they do.’’ Alec chuckled and pointed at the wig she holding. “That’s white.’’

“Platinum.’’ Isabelle scoffed. “And they don’t exactly like shakespeare, okay Alec?’’

“You’re plenty distracting on your own.’’

“So, be yourself?’’ Isabelle smiled knowingly. “Is that what you’re trying to say?’’

“Never mind.’’ Alec sighed. “Looking good, let’s go.’’

“We’re ready, Jace!’’ Isabelle called out to him as they approached him. Jace turned around and smiled, turning back to the screen now.

“Nice choice, Izzy.’’ Jace smiled. “Demons dig blondes.’’

“Told you?’’ Isabelle smirked at Alec who rolled his eyes.

“It’s platinum,’’ He retorted.

“This,’’ Jace said as he popped a picture up of the shapeshifting demon they were looking for. “Is what our target looks like.’’

“For now,’’ Isabelle added as she followed her brothers out of the institute.

Oh boy, Alec thought. This was going to be a long night.

.

Pandemonium was full of young, vibrant people who were either talking to their friends on the side of the club, drinking themselves drunk at the bar or dancing on the dance floor.

Alec tried pushing himself passed the sweaty people, who were dancing. The shape shifter had now transformed into a girl and saw her walk backstage, Isabelle and Jace following right after. Alec made his way through the crowd a bit firmer now, accidentally bumping against someone.

“Oh, I am so-’’ Alec looked up and his hazel eyes locked with some deep brown ones. Alec swallowed. “Oh.’’ He choked out.

The man chuckled. “No harm done. My name is Magnus, I don’t think we’ve been formally introduced?’’ The man smiled, eyeing Alec with a mysterious twinkle in his eye.

“Alec,’’ He breathed, getting lost in those brown eyes. Magnus smiled as Alec’s lips formed a smile. He was about to ask him something when Jace called for him.

“Alec!’’

Alec shook out of his daze and he blinked at Magnus, smiling sheepishly. “S-Sorry, I need to-’’ He pointed over his shoulder before storming off, a blush on his cheeks.

Magnus watched the man run off amusedly, smirking to himself then. “It was very nice meeting you, Alexander.’’

.

The weeks after that were a blur for Alec. At Pandemonium, there was this mundane- Well, not really mundane, Jace was highly convinced she was a Shadowhunter and she turned out to be so. But Alec didn’t like her.

She was too commanding, acted too risky and brought all the others in danger with her. They always had to get her out of trouble, and her mundane friend had now been transitioned into a vampire.

Alec was getting a serious headache from all the changes around him.

One change, that Alec didn’t really mind, was getting to know Magnus better and spending more time with him. It turned out he is the High Warlock of Brooklyn and his parents have requested him to reinforce the wards.

Magnus was very- direct.

He took the chance to flirt with Alec whenever he could, and Alec didn’t even found himself being bothered by it. He even felt... flattered. Whenever Magnus would compliment him, he would just look down and smile with a blush on his face. Isabelle had teased him about it and told him that Magnus was very much into him. And Alec was slowly accepting the fact that he in fact felt something for Magnus.

Right now, Alec found himself walking in the streets of New York, on his way to visit Magnus. Isabelle had given him a pep talk to at least talk to him, to tell him what he was feeling and what was going through his mind. She admitted to Alec that she admired the patience Magnus had with Alec, if she was him, she would’ve left Alec alone a long time ago.

Alec, while slowly letting himself for the warlock, couldn’t also help but feel that he __shouldn’t__  feel this way. It wasn’t accepted in the Shadow world. And for that, every time when he thought of Magnus and his beautiful eyes, smile or those delicious, soft looking lips, he cut himself again.

He stood in front of Magnus’ door, trying to calm the steady beating of his heart. He let out a breathe and cleared his through before knocking gently on the door, folding his hands behind his back then as he waited patiently.

Magnus pulled the door open and grinned. “Ah, Alexander. How nice to see you, come in.’’

Alec smiled shyly and walked inside, looking around curiously. “This is a nice place,’’ He mumbled as he let his eyes wander.

“Thank you,’’ Magnus smiled as gracefully made his way over to the couch. Alec may or may not have checked out his ass as he did so. “I sure like to think so, I am mostly in love with the view I have over Brooklyn Bridge.’’

Alec hummed and sat down as Magnus motioned for him to sit down. Magnus then went to grab to glasses. “Can I pour you a drink?’’

Alec looked over and nodded his head, rubbing his hands up and down his pants. Magnus noticed that the younger Shadowhunter seemed a little nervous, he hoped a little bit of alcohol would help him loosen up a bit. He went to sit next to Alexander and handed him his drink.

“Thank you.’’

“You’re welcome,’’ Magnus chuckled and clinked his glass against Alec’s. “Cheers.’’

Alec looked up at Magnus and smiled, a real one this time, and nodded his head. “Cheers,’’ He smiled and took a sip.

Oh god.

Alec swallowed and tried very hard not to cringe at how bitter the drink tasted, not even mentioning the fact that his eyes were watering due to the stinging of his throat. He let out a cough and cleared his throat afterwards. Magnus sipped his own while tilting his head at Alec and pursing his lips.

“You hate it.’’ He observed.

“No, no.’’Alec rushed out, licking his lip. “It’s um- It’s great.’’

Magnus chuckled and reached over to put his glass on the table, pulling his right leg under himself and resting his hands on his bend knee. “I’m glad you showed up here today.’’

Alec blinked. “Why?’’ He blurted out.

Magnus smiled and looked down. Alec wasn’t sure if it was the lighting in the room, but he could’ve sworn he saw Magnus Bane blushing. “I wanted to see you again.’’ He whispered.

“Why?’’

“Why’d you come?’’

Alec wanted to tell him that it was all Isabelle, but he wasn’t so sure about that anymore. Sure, Isabelle had been the one to push him to go and see Magnus, but he couldn’t deny his heart ached to see the warlock as well. “I’m not sure,’’ He said slowly.

Magnus swallowed and lifted a hand up to play with the necklaces he was wearing. “For over a century,’’ He started off. “I’ve closed myself off for feeling anything for anyone. Man or woman. You’ve unlocked something in me.’’

Alec started at him and felt his heart starting to pound louder. He licked his lips again, trying to think off something to say. “Look, Magnus I-’’ He stuttered out. “I don’t- I wish I knew-’’

Magnus smiled fondly as he watched Alec stutter out a reply. He lifted a finger up and smiled in understanding. Alec stopped talking when he saw the finger and looked up in Magnus’ eyes. “I understand,’’ The warlock said softly.

Alec felt relief wash over him. Magnus understood and that was something that mattered most to him. But, Magnus had been so patient with him and his body moved on his own. Magnus eyebrows rose when he noticed Alec leaning in, sparks shooting through his body as he felt his lips very softly being pressed to the corner of his mouth. Alec let his lips linger and very slowly pulled his head back, but kept it relatively close to Magnus’. They locked eyes and the tension between them thickened.

Magnus lifted one of his hands, gently tracing the tips of his fingers over Alec’s jaw. Alec closed his eyes at the touch, swallowing as he felt his cheeks heat up. When he opened them, he looked at his lips. Looking back up in his eyes, Alec nearly whimpered at the warm yet lustful look Magnus gave him. Magnus’ eyes slipped down to Alec’s lips. He didn’t want to push his boundaries but when Alec leaned in the tiniest bit and tilted his head, Magnus saw this as his green light to lean in the rest of the way.

Their lips touched and it was just magical.

Alec never thought kissing someone could be this good. Not that he ever kissed someone, because he hadn’t. Magnus was the first person who ever kissed him and he wasn’t entirely sure what to do, so he just followed whatever Magnus did with his lips. Magnus’ hand now cupped his cheek and Alec was leaning closer towards Magnus, a hand placed against his chest. He could feel the heart beat of Magnus’ quickening under his palm and somewhere it made Alec feel proud he made the High Warlock of Brooklyn feel this way.

Magnus had been wanting devour the young Shadowhunter sitting in front of him the first minute he saw him, but he knew he had to be very patient with Alec, especially since he noticed how deep in the closet he was. To be fair, Magnus wasn’t really surprised about that, not with parents like Alec had.

The two pulled away slowly, eyes still closed as they cherished this moment. Alec felt hazy, like his mind has left his body. He slowly opened his eyes and blinked, his head still light from the kiss. Magnus smiled adoringly.

“Earth to Alec.’’ He teased, gently stroking his cheek. “Are you there?’’

Alec shook his head and laughed, a blush arising on his cheeks. “Y-Yeah. Sorry, I didn’t mean to- T-That was-’’

Magnus chuckled. “It was good.’’

“Yeah.’’

“Good enough to try again?’’ Magnus smirked, leaning in closer.

Alec let out a breathless laugh, about to meet Magnus halfway when his phone started ringing. Suppressing a groan, he slipped his phone out of his pocket and answered, leaning against the back of the couch and away from Magnus.

“Hi, Mother.’’ Alec breathed. Magnus leaned his head on his hand as he watched Alec handle the phone call.

“Yeah,’’ Alec sighed out. “I’ll be right there.’’ He hung up and scrunched his nose up. “Duty calls.’’ He informed Magnus, smiling weakly.

“Ah, the furrowed brow.’’ Magnus noticed. “Maryse send you up for a mission again?’’

“Yeah, I should probably-’’

“Go?’’ Magnus asked Alec as he tilted his head, a teasing smile on his lips.

Alec nodded his head. “Yeah, I am sorry. Maybe we could do this again sometime?’’

Magnus smirked. “Go do your job, Shadowhunter.’’ He then smiled reassuringly at Alec. “I’m not going anywhere.’’

Alec leaned down and gently pecked Magnus’ lips, feeling brave. “Okay then,’’ He sighed softly afterwards, reluctantly making his way out of Magnus’ apartment.

.

“Alec,’’ Maryse snapped as he made his way into the institute. Alec closed his eyes as he heard his mother approach and turned around with a tight lipped smile. “Mother,’’ he greeted her politely.

“Where have you been?’’ She hissed. “There was demon briefing and you weren’t there. “How can I let you become the head of the institute if you can’t even feel responsible for your duties?’’

Alec gulped. His mother’s words stung. He failed her. He failed his family and fellow Shadowhunters. He looked down and clenched his jaw. “I’m sorry, Mother. It won’t happen again.’’

Maryse narrowed her eyes. “It better not.’’

Alec took that a hint he could go. He charged to his room and plopped down on the bed, his hands covering his face. His breathe came out in labored pants, his chest heaving up and down. The urge to cut himself became to great and he stood up, frantically ripping the drawers of his closet open, looking for his razor.

Setting the razor at the skin of his arm, he closed his eyes as he dragged it down. For being a failure, he thought.

Another cut, for being an embarrassment.

Another cut, for liking someone who he shouldn’t.

Another cut, for disappointed his family.

Another cut, for wanting to spend more time with Magnus and wanting to kiss him again.

He took a deep breathe, tears of pain blurring his vision. His body relaxed under each cut he made. He watched as small trails of blood trickled down his arm. It made him feel satisfied. He had to punish himself, because if he didn’t. Who would?

.

The next few months Alec had kept his promise to his mother, leading every single mission there was and trying to show her he would be a great head of the institute.

But, he broke a promise to himself and that was that he kept seeing Magnus.

He just couldn’t stay away from the other man, it was like- There was something about Magnus that made Alec stay. And Alec made him feel good, even if Alec knew what he felt was wrong.

Right now, the two were caught up in quite a heavy make out session on the couch in Magnus’ apartment. Alec had returned from a mission and, instead of going to his room like he told Isabelle, Jace and Clary, went straight to Magnus’. He just had to see him, his body was bruising was desire to hold the other man close and kiss him breathless. And here he was now, just doing that.

Alec’s was laying on his back against the couch, Magnus on top of him with no space between their bodies. Alec’s hands were tangled in his lover’s black hair as Magnus’ hands trailed down over his clothed chest. Magnus ran his hands lower and lower, until his fingers were playing with the hem of Alec’s long sleeved sweater. He gently started punching it up, aching to feel the others skin- When suddenly he found himself on the ground, shaking his head dazedly.

Alec gaped at him from the couch and scrambled to kneel down next to him. “Oh my god,’’ He panted. “Magnus, are you okay? I am so sorry.’’

“I’m fine, Alexander.’’ Magnus sat up, rubbing his head. “A simple ‘no’ would’ve done the trick, you know.’’ He chuckled halfheartedly.

Alec’s heart started pounding in his ear and he pushed himself to his feet. Magnus had almost found out. One second later and he could’ve felt the scars that were scattered along his back. “I-I-’’ Alec stuttered. “I need to gay- Go!’’ He corrected himself quickly. “Go, I’ve got to go.’’

Magnus furrowed his eyebrows as he watched Alec almost run to the door. Before Alec could pull the door open, however, a hand wrapped around his wrist in a firm grip. Magnus wasn’t squeezing hard, but is fingers were wrapped around the skin where he freshly cut himself this morning and it stung. Alec yelped and ripped his wrist free, cradling it to his chest.

“Alec, did I hurt you?’’ Magnus asked worriedly. “Did you get hurt in the mission? Let me see, maybe I can help.’’

Before Alec could protest, Magnus had grabbed Alec’s wrist, gently this time, and pushed up his sleeve. Magnus froze as he saw Alec’s tiny scars. Scars from where he cut himself. Magnus softly trailed his finger against them, Alec shivering at his secret boyfriend’s touch. Magnus looked him in the eye, tears blurring his vision. Seeing his boyfriend near tears, sent Alec over the edge himself.

“Oh, Alexander.’’ Magnus choked out and pulled him in his arms.

Alec went willingly, burying his head in Magnus’ shoulder and clinging on to him tightly as he sobbed. Magnus clenched his eyes shut, one hand thumbing the nape of his neck while the other rubbed soothingly against his back.

“My poor, Alexander.’’ He whimpered in his lovers ear. “You were hurting and I didn’t even know.’’

Alec didn’t say anything, he just cried his heart out in the arms of the person he started to love, letting everything out he kept bottling up over the past few months. Magnus eventually guided him to the couch, where they cuddled until Alec’s crying and sobbing had turned into soft sniffles.

“You know I’m going to ask.’’ Magnus asked softly as he stroked his cheek with his knuckles. “Why would you hurt yourself, Alexander?’’

“It helps.’’ Alec sniffled. “Inside my head it’s like- It’s a mess, Mags. I can’t help but think all the time that- That I’m just a big failure, and that I need to punish myself. There’s these voice screaming at me inside my head. Screaming how worthless I am, how I’m not good at anything. And if I cut myself, I can’t hear them anymore. My head becomes peaceful.’’

“My dearest Alexander,’’ Magnus said, cupping Alec’s face and making him look at him. “You are __not__ worthless or a failure. You hear me? Your one of the best Shadowhunters the Institute has and not to mention the best head of the institute they could ask for.’’ He swallowed. “And a great boyfriend,’’ He added softly.

“What great boyfriend keeps their relationship a secret?’’ Alec scoffed through his tears. Magnus thumbed the tear rolling down his cheek away.

“A boyfriend who’s scarred from the inside and is scared. But scarred doesn’t mean that you’re damaged. Or that you can’t get help. If you don’t talk to someone about what’s going on in your mind, it only gets worse. I know from experience.’’

Alec just sniffled.

  
”Do Isabelle, Jace and Clary know?’’ Magnus asked softly. Alec shook his head.

“I don’t think Izzy knows.’’ Alec wiped his nose. “I think Jace does. Through our parabatai bond, I think. But I’m not sure.’’

Magnus bit his lip. “You need to talk them, Alec.’’ Alec’s eyes widened and he shook his head.

“No-’’

“I don’t want to pressure you, Alexander. But they’re your family. We’re not going to let you go through this alone.’’

Alec sniffled and rubbed his hands together. He had kept this secret for so long, but he knew his brother and sister noticed something was wrong. Slowly, he nodded his hand. “Okay,’’ He hiccuped. He slid his hand over to Magnus’ and he intertwined their fingers together. “Will you stay with me?’’

Magnus smiled softly and nodded his head. “I’ll be right here next to you.’’

.

So that’s how Magnus had invited Jace, Isabelle and Clary over. Magnus and Isabelle sat on each side of Alec’s side, holding his hand tightly. Jace and Clary sat opposite of him on the coffee table and each had a hand on one of his knees as Alec tearfully spilled everything out.

Isabelle started crying and hugged her brother tightly, blaming herself for not noticing his pain, which caused Alec to cry hard and cling to her, saying that he was the problem for not telling her and she couldn’t have known.

Jace hugged him next, teary eyed as well, whispering how sorry he was for not talking to him about it sooner. He figured Alec himself would’ve realized what he did was wrong and would reach out to him to talk about it.

Clary really didn’t know what to say, except for that he could always come talk to her if things got too much and she too hugged Alec tightly.

Alec himself felt overwhelmed with emotion. He felt relieved that his secret was finally out. He felt hurt, because hurting himself caused his brother and sister to be worried about him and he never wanted to hurt them in any way. But he also felt loved and supported. All in all he was just happy he told them all his secrets. He even took Magnus by surprise by telling them that he was gay and had been dating Magnus for a few months now. Isabelle, who already knew of course, was very proud of her brother to say it out loud.

Alec was standing outside on Magnus’ balcony alone, the soft breeze blowing against his face and through his hair. Magnus had let everyone out and Jace had assured Alec to spend the night with Magnus for now. He, Clary and Isabelle would make sure his room would be free of all razors or pointy objects.

This was just the beginning of a new start for Alec and he was no way near being clear of his self harming addiction. But he had promised to get help and Magnus would bring him to his friend, Ragnor, the next morning.

Magnus softly opened the doors and slowly approached him, admiring his boyfriend in the moonlight. He eventually stood next to him and stared out over New York. Alec turned his head and smiled at him, a real, genuine, happy smile this time.

“How do you feel?’’ Magnus whispered.

“I feel good.’’ Alec smiled. “Relieved. It’s like a whole lot of pressure just fell from my shoulders.’’

Magnus smiled back. “I’m glad.’’ He then slid his hand closer to his boyfriend’s, smiling when Alec placed his own hand over his. “Just... promise you’ll talk to me if things ever go crazy again.’’

Alec stared at him and nodded, turning his body towards him then. Magnus leaned into his touch as he felt his hands cups his face, nuzzling the palm of his hand. Alec leaned in and kissed him sweetly on the mouth. Magnus let out a happy sigh. Alec pulled back with closed eyes and a small smile on his face.

“You know,’’ He whispered softly. “I always thought something was wrong with me, because I knew I couldn’t have what I wanted.’’ Magnus reached up a hand to stroke his cheek as he listened to him. Alec’s eyes glowed with love. “Until you came along.’’

Magnus blushed at that. “Nothing’s wrong with you.’’ He breathed as his heart started beating loudly in his chest.

“I love you, Magnus.’’

Magnus’ eyes slid down to his lovers lips, that were slowly inching closer again. “I love you, too.’’ He whispered.

And with the slightest tilt of his head, their lips met and Alec finally found the courage to accept himself and love the person he wanted to love.

**Author's Note:**

> This was my first time writing a self harming fic and I think it went quite nicely!  
> I hope you guys liked it as well.
> 
> If you want to follow me you can do that on these Social Media's: (You can also send your prompts in via Tumblr or leave your idea behind in the comments down below!)  
> Tumblr: [AnjaWritingsx](http://anjawritingsx.tumblr.com/)!  
> Twitter: [AnjaxNS](https://twitter.com/AnjaxNS/)!
> 
> ALSO: No matter how much I love Saphael and your Saphael prompts, feel free to send me any kind of Shadowhunters prompt with any kind of couple you want! Malec, Sizzy, Clizzy, Jimon, Climon. It doesn't matter to me, it causes a bit of variation in my Tumblr Prompt series! (:


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